oops.. been so busy with last minute school work and college crap.. i didnt have time to send out Xmas cards.. sorry =/

but

happy chanukkah, merry xmas, happy kwanzaa

everything sucks so much.. it's suffocating.

maybe it's due to my monthly friend visiting or what.. but just today alone really made me more emotional and stressed than any day out of this past 2 months.

the tears are welling up again.

i know why i wasnt sure if i wanted to attend an Art Conservatory during the summer and early part of the school year. i thought it wouldnt be wise because i would be a starving artist and i wouldnt be able to make any money. it always comes down to MONEY.. in every situation, it seems.
Art was never anything significant to my parents.. hell, that's why i don't show them anything i do.. all i get outta them is "what is THAT? why isnt like THAT instead? It's ugly.." There were only a couple of times they acknowledged my work.. The rest of the time it's eh.

I brought home my heavy photography portfolio today from school to show my mom some shots I took and enlarged myself. She sat in front of the tv and I went over to show her the book.. I was flipping thru the pages while she just watched tv instead.. she looked over and asked why i photographed her.. the picture i showed her was of my rabbit in her cage.. how blatant is that. no encouragement or anything.
My dad saw the book and flipped thru it without me knowing. When I walked into the room.. "Why are your pictures so UGLY? Who's camera are you using? Is there something wrong with the camera? It's ugly." How am I suppose to respond to that?

The problem with my generation is that my parents are from that time when nobody ever spoke about emotions or respect (for children) or love. I sometimes regret being born here, in America, and being so exposed to loving family shows ever since I was born. I regret being so fortunate.. How horrible is that. Maybe things wouldnt be this difficult emotionally if I were ignorant like they are about the world I live in.

Art is the only thing that I actually do kind of like. That only thing I'm proud of is when I make something that pleases me. I won't live a life to please their wishes.. I will do what I wish, to live a life of my own.

Year 2 in the family of "celebrating" Thanksgiving. My sis and I got tired of watching people eat turkey all the time and decided last year, we shall start turkey day! I had to keep track of it the majority of the time 'cause hello, chinese people don't eat turkey.

anyways, happy day.

I found out Ashley's grandpa died today..after reading her journal entry. It sounds weird and feels weird. It makes me feel guilty for ignoring her all week while she was going thru the loss. That's why nobody I know personally in my everyday life knows about this tabulas account.

I don't want them to feel anger, guilt, or sorrow thru my words. If I want them to feel those emotions, I am the person that will straight-up display it. I'm mad that I have to feel guilty. I'm mad that she doesnt say anything she wants and instead makes me find out thru an impersonal look at the web.

On a brighter note, the Sugarcult concert was great. I wished Story of the Year played a few more songs but the concert made up for it when the Sugarcult set was an hour long. Lots of new good songs, cant wait for the album next year.

So I invited Ashley to the Jonny Was concert next Friday.. The only reason I invited her was to make up for not ever inviting her to concerts.. yeah, it's pity. It's also to prevent her from nagging me afterwards when my other friends are talking about it. Now that I invited her, she will invite her friend.. I also have to invite Jennina.. Oh how I cant stand those two (ash and jennina) but what can I do to avoid the incessant nagging.

When you have a group of friends you hang out with.. why's it always have to be exclusive? Why does jealousy emerge and bite you in the ass? Why do we have to do things out of pity?

I wasn't going to bring my sister along..(I think I'll need her for support). Wanted to save Kat's soul from my two annoying buddies. I know right after the concert, Jennina will scream her head off about getting home.. I might have to become the babysitter again, as I always am.